Go Gently

I'm a day or two behind in my journaling. I didn't write yesterday. I was very aware that I didn't write. I almost missed it. At some point I gave myself permission to take a break. My excuse was that my wrist was hurting and I would have to write on my iPad without a keyboard which would have caused more pain. But at the same time I would be giving my brain some release if I had taken the time to write. 

So, Today’s Inspiration: Go Gently. I just let out an audible laugh at the thought of going gently. I don't think I am really the type to go gently. I am a pretty passionate person and once I get a thought into my head I'm more like a bull in a china shop then a mom carrying a newborn. 

So, yes I could learn to try to go gently. Thinking about going gently reminds me of the phrase that so many are sharing this week about you don't know what someone else is going through so be kind. I think everyone has something they are struggling with that is hidden to the world. If only we would all go gently maybe it would be a kinder world. 

Where can I "go gently"? Where couldn't I is a better question? I could "go gently" with my children. I often find myself being frustrated over the silliest things. They are 3 and 5 yrs old. They don't do these things to upset me - ok maybe B does but that's a whole other post. They are busy exploring and learning the world not maliciously tearing apart the house to hear me yell at them. I could"go gently" when driving for sure! I accidentally cut people off, I am sure that most people who are driving stupid are not doing it to me, but rather they are just like me trying to get where they need to go the best they can. I could "go gently" when thinking about my work with a colleague. I am lucky not to have her position and I can't truly understand what she goes through daily. I should be more gentle with my thoughts about her. 

It still makes me laugh, the thought of me, going gentle. I can't imagine being my husband. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to try to make things perfect that the littlest thing not going the way I had imagined it in my head will cause me to not be so gentle. I have yet to learn the art of going gentle. 

I was bout to type that I will try to "go gentle: and then in my head I hear Yoda "do or do not there is no try". But dear Yoda all I can do for now is to try!

Perfection

Today’s Inspiration:

“Ring the bells that still can ring 

Forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack in everything 

That's how the light gets in.” 

Leonard Cohen said that.

These words reminded me of one of my favorite songs by my absolute favorite band Sister Hazel:

Did you ever think
There might be another way?
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away,
You might feel better
Might feel better if you stay.

Yeah, yeah

I bet you haven't heard a word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough of all your trying
Just give up
The state of mind you're in: 

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself.
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind, change your mind.

When I am trying to be perfect wether it's the image of a perfect mom, perfect employee, throwing the perfect party, I literally drive myself crazy. Why haven't I figured out that things don't have to be perfect. Good is good enough. My children won't remember that a letter on thier birthday cake was a different color then the rest, they will remember I baked them a cake every year for thier birthday. I never have fun when I try so hard to make it perfect. The perfect moments arise when I'm not trying. When I'm in the moment being who I'm made to be and Lord knows I was not meant to be perfect. This song reminds me, whenever I need it , it's up to me. 

Music. Music is this little piece of heaven on earth. It can see you through the good the bad and the crazy. I appreciate the beauty in music, in the mind of the creator. 

Oh there you are!

As you may know I have been participating in a journal project. Today I took a detour. I journaled. But not the topic I was presented. Today I felt the need to share about depression, particularly my own. Whatever you do in life, take care of yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s8ZEFUSYAI

If you watch the link above you will see my favorite clip of Robin Williams in Hook. One child takes the time to really look at Peter. He pushes his face, he takes his glasses off, and finally he sees him and says "Oh there you are Peter!" I wonder if that too was a special clip to Robin. I wonder if he wished people could see inside him to really understand him. When you are suffering from depression or any mental illness you put on a face for the world, the face that says, "I'm ok". You might even be able to fool everyone with this mask. If you are lucky there is someone who looks beyond the mask and sees you. You, the person who is suffering, who desperately wants to not be suffering but you just don't know how to make it stop. If you are even more lucky the love and support of even that one person will help pull you through.

Throughout my life from time to time, usually for a specific reason or from an event, I have suffered depression. I can't explain it well enough for you to know the pain. I remember feeling like I was at the bottom of a very deep dark hole and no matter what I did I couldn't get out. I would pray. I sought counseling from friends and professionals. But there was something in my head that wouldn't let me out of the hole. I have been fortunate that my depression is and has been episodic. It is not something that I suffer from on a daily basis, and I feel for those who do. I have been blessed with the right words, the right people at the right time. I have been pulled from the depths of despair and returned to the land of the living.

I cannot judge those who suffer. I can be here to support them in whatever way they need, although I don't think that is always clear to them or those who want to help. I can pray for them. I can love them. I can try to understand. But like many things in this life, unless you have lived it you cannot truly understand. Be thankful you have not lived it and be kind to those who are.

I thank God that I have never experienced the pain and suffering that would make me want to not continue to live on this earth. For anyone who has and has made it to the other side (for now) I am thankful you made it through. For those who have loved someone who lost the struggle I pray for your peace. For those who  continue the fight today I pray that you have the help you need in your darkest hour. For anyone who is like me and struggling with something they just can't get past, know that I am here for you. You are doing great!


“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” 
― A.A. Milne

Purpose

Today’s Inspiration:

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

Purpose. Such a mysterical world. I don't know that I have found my purpose, but I know I have one as strong as I know I'm alive. 39 years and 355 days ago I was born, 2 months premature. Close to forty yrs ago that was no small feat. I almost didn't make it. I had to have a complete blood change. My parents used to tell stories of having to thump my back in the incubator to get me to start breathing again. But, after a month this little tiny baby (can you believe I was ever little and tiny?) came home from the hospital. 

Over the years I've pondered why. Why did I live? Why was I here? The only thing I can come up with is that it is God's plan. God said it was time for me to be born. God said it was time for me to live. Little side note had I been born on time I wouldn't have been in my year at school. I may not have had the same friends which definitely would have altered my life completely. It's when I get to that thought it's when I realize my purpose, .my role in others lives. I am here to help.

As much as others have been a part of my life, I have been a part of there's. I have seen friends through love, crisis, children, depression and celebration. At times I've been told I'm better then a counselor. Sometimes I think I missed my career calling. But like baking and cooking I don't think I would enjoy it quite as much if I had to do it. I get great pleasure from helping others. I feel needed when others share with me, when they come to me about an issue in their life. 

I remember not long ago someone asked me about my purpose and I told them my purpose was to be a mom. I think that is one part of my purpose. There's never been a doubt in me that I was meant to be a mom. I don't know that I have all my children yet. I think my purpose of helping others drives me to want to mother more then my two biological children. I don't know what that means for my family's future except we will explore it when the time is right. (I do know there will not be any more biological children unless God intervenes)..

Purpose, that's a big thought. What's your purpose? How are you giving your heart and soul to your purpose?

Practice

Today’s Inspiration:

“To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.”

Kurt Vonnegut said that.

I never thought of practice as a way to make my soul grow....until now. This journal challenge, opportunity, whatever you call it, does feel like my soul is growing. Today I felt a longing throughout the day, I longed for my time. My time to sit and write and feel and share me!

Practice has always seemed to me as something I had todo, so I usually shy away from anything with practice, wether it's for fun, learning or fitness.  I think what has kept me from practice of many things is my own mind, I get in my own way.  Doubt. I doubt my ability. I doubt that others will enjoy or care about what I do. I know I shouldn't care about what others think...but I do, particularly when I share my writing, cooking or baking. These are very personal things. 

I doubt my abilities. I doubt my family will think the time I spend on something that takes my focus from them is a waste of time. What is the art I really want to practice? Photography. I've always wanted to take amazing pictures. Pictures that tell a story. It seems there are so many photographers these days. I feel I'd be lost in a sea of photographers. I need to remember no matter how crappy my pictures turn out, the practice is good for my soul.

I think I have always known that practicing an art made your soul grow. Baking. Baking is the art that has always been good for my soul. Happy, sad, stressed, I bake. I share my baked goods.  The art of baking makes my heart smile.

New goals for making my soul grow: keep baking, keep writing, keep taking pictures.

The root...

Today's journal inspiration: “Cultivate the root, the leaves and branches will take care of themselves.”
Perfect timing to think about "the root". When I first began thinking about the root I immediately thought of relationships, people, the things that keep me grounded. Then I dug a little deeper and realized the root is more about me, the people are the branches and leaves. 

So, what do I need to do to cultivate the root?  I've been asking myself this question for a while only it sounded a little different. It sounded like, what do I do now? I have been feeling so struck, and lost. I know it sounds silly but my dreams in life had little to do with career but more with family. I wanted a complete family. I grew up with such a split family, I longed for the (in my head) "perfect family". You know husband, wife, and most of all kids. Well that dream took quite a while to come true so in the mean time I fell into a career. 

A career. Almost feels like a dirty word. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom using all those great early childhood ed skills I gained in college on my own kids. Turns out I enjoy working outside the home and actually have some pretty good skills. Sadly I don't think my current position is really using my skills. I have worked my way out of direct service...which I love. I can't afford to go back to teaching.

So....how do I cultivate the root? I am trying to figure out my career dream? What can I do that makes me happy and I'm good at? What do I need to do to gain the right skills? Or is being a mom with a job enough? Do I focus on my family now and me later? 

I guess it's time to do some investigation....

Keep it Simple

Today the journal post is about dwelling on the things that have occurred once we have committed. Once you made that simple commitment what unforeseen things have happened in you life. As I consider this for a moment I think about the commitment that changed my life forever. The day I committed to no longer date the man that is now my husband. The commitment really had nothing to do with him, but really me. I committed to myself that I wanted and deserved more and I was no longer going to accept less. It was a horribly horrifying decision to make. What if it meant I would end up alone? What if it meant I lost him as a friend? The what ifs nearly prevented the commitment. I should remember that. I should remember to stop letting what ifs ruin unforeseen events. If I had not made the commitment I wouldn't have the 3 biggest blessings of my life, my hubby and my babies.
Why do I let the what ifs stand in my way? Fear is so debilitating.
I think I am really supposed to be writing about journaling and keeping it simple. But that's what I thought about, making that commitment to myself that ultimately changed my life. Maybe my commitment to journaling will change my life. I have often started a written journal but never really kept it up. I guess I thought I got out everything I needed to. I wish I had kept one just see how I have changed or more likely how I haven't.
Keeping a journal was never something I knew people did. I don't remember when the idea was introduced to me but I remember thinking it was odd. Why would you write things down? Who's going to read it? It felt like an assignment. I have finally begun to understand some of the benefits. For now, I will commit to this journal. Writing my thoughts. Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process.