Go Gently

I'm a day or two behind in my journaling. I didn't write yesterday. I was very aware that I didn't write. I almost missed it. At some point I gave myself permission to take a break. My excuse was that my wrist was hurting and I would have to write on my iPad without a keyboard which would have caused more pain. But at the same time I would be giving my brain some release if I had taken the time to write. 

So, Today’s Inspiration: Go Gently. I just let out an audible laugh at the thought of going gently. I don't think I am really the type to go gently. I am a pretty passionate person and once I get a thought into my head I'm more like a bull in a china shop then a mom carrying a newborn. 

So, yes I could learn to try to go gently. Thinking about going gently reminds me of the phrase that so many are sharing this week about you don't know what someone else is going through so be kind. I think everyone has something they are struggling with that is hidden to the world. If only we would all go gently maybe it would be a kinder world. 

Where can I "go gently"? Where couldn't I is a better question? I could "go gently" with my children. I often find myself being frustrated over the silliest things. They are 3 and 5 yrs old. They don't do these things to upset me - ok maybe B does but that's a whole other post. They are busy exploring and learning the world not maliciously tearing apart the house to hear me yell at them. I could"go gently" when driving for sure! I accidentally cut people off, I am sure that most people who are driving stupid are not doing it to me, but rather they are just like me trying to get where they need to go the best they can. I could "go gently" when thinking about my work with a colleague. I am lucky not to have her position and I can't truly understand what she goes through daily. I should be more gentle with my thoughts about her. 

It still makes me laugh, the thought of me, going gentle. I can't imagine being my husband. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to try to make things perfect that the littlest thing not going the way I had imagined it in my head will cause me to not be so gentle. I have yet to learn the art of going gentle. 

I was bout to type that I will try to "go gentle: and then in my head I hear Yoda "do or do not there is no try". But dear Yoda all I can do for now is to try!

Perfection

Today’s Inspiration:

“Ring the bells that still can ring 

Forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack in everything 

That's how the light gets in.” 

Leonard Cohen said that.

These words reminded me of one of my favorite songs by my absolute favorite band Sister Hazel:

Did you ever think
There might be another way?
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away,
You might feel better
Might feel better if you stay.

Yeah, yeah

I bet you haven't heard a word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough of all your trying
Just give up
The state of mind you're in: 

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself.
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind, change your mind.

When I am trying to be perfect wether it's the image of a perfect mom, perfect employee, throwing the perfect party, I literally drive myself crazy. Why haven't I figured out that things don't have to be perfect. Good is good enough. My children won't remember that a letter on thier birthday cake was a different color then the rest, they will remember I baked them a cake every year for thier birthday. I never have fun when I try so hard to make it perfect. The perfect moments arise when I'm not trying. When I'm in the moment being who I'm made to be and Lord knows I was not meant to be perfect. This song reminds me, whenever I need it , it's up to me. 

Music. Music is this little piece of heaven on earth. It can see you through the good the bad and the crazy. I appreciate the beauty in music, in the mind of the creator. 

Oh there you are!

As you may know I have been participating in a journal project. Today I took a detour. I journaled. But not the topic I was presented. Today I felt the need to share about depression, particularly my own. Whatever you do in life, take care of yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s8ZEFUSYAI

If you watch the link above you will see my favorite clip of Robin Williams in Hook. One child takes the time to really look at Peter. He pushes his face, he takes his glasses off, and finally he sees him and says "Oh there you are Peter!" I wonder if that too was a special clip to Robin. I wonder if he wished people could see inside him to really understand him. When you are suffering from depression or any mental illness you put on a face for the world, the face that says, "I'm ok". You might even be able to fool everyone with this mask. If you are lucky there is someone who looks beyond the mask and sees you. You, the person who is suffering, who desperately wants to not be suffering but you just don't know how to make it stop. If you are even more lucky the love and support of even that one person will help pull you through.

Throughout my life from time to time, usually for a specific reason or from an event, I have suffered depression. I can't explain it well enough for you to know the pain. I remember feeling like I was at the bottom of a very deep dark hole and no matter what I did I couldn't get out. I would pray. I sought counseling from friends and professionals. But there was something in my head that wouldn't let me out of the hole. I have been fortunate that my depression is and has been episodic. It is not something that I suffer from on a daily basis, and I feel for those who do. I have been blessed with the right words, the right people at the right time. I have been pulled from the depths of despair and returned to the land of the living.

I cannot judge those who suffer. I can be here to support them in whatever way they need, although I don't think that is always clear to them or those who want to help. I can pray for them. I can love them. I can try to understand. But like many things in this life, unless you have lived it you cannot truly understand. Be thankful you have not lived it and be kind to those who are.

I thank God that I have never experienced the pain and suffering that would make me want to not continue to live on this earth. For anyone who has and has made it to the other side (for now) I am thankful you made it through. For those who have loved someone who lost the struggle I pray for your peace. For those who  continue the fight today I pray that you have the help you need in your darkest hour. For anyone who is like me and struggling with something they just can't get past, know that I am here for you. You are doing great!


“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” 
― A.A. Milne

Purpose

Today’s Inspiration:

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

Purpose. Such a mysterical world. I don't know that I have found my purpose, but I know I have one as strong as I know I'm alive. 39 years and 355 days ago I was born, 2 months premature. Close to forty yrs ago that was no small feat. I almost didn't make it. I had to have a complete blood change. My parents used to tell stories of having to thump my back in the incubator to get me to start breathing again. But, after a month this little tiny baby (can you believe I was ever little and tiny?) came home from the hospital. 

Over the years I've pondered why. Why did I live? Why was I here? The only thing I can come up with is that it is God's plan. God said it was time for me to be born. God said it was time for me to live. Little side note had I been born on time I wouldn't have been in my year at school. I may not have had the same friends which definitely would have altered my life completely. It's when I get to that thought it's when I realize my purpose, .my role in others lives. I am here to help.

As much as others have been a part of my life, I have been a part of there's. I have seen friends through love, crisis, children, depression and celebration. At times I've been told I'm better then a counselor. Sometimes I think I missed my career calling. But like baking and cooking I don't think I would enjoy it quite as much if I had to do it. I get great pleasure from helping others. I feel needed when others share with me, when they come to me about an issue in their life. 

I remember not long ago someone asked me about my purpose and I told them my purpose was to be a mom. I think that is one part of my purpose. There's never been a doubt in me that I was meant to be a mom. I don't know that I have all my children yet. I think my purpose of helping others drives me to want to mother more then my two biological children. I don't know what that means for my family's future except we will explore it when the time is right. (I do know there will not be any more biological children unless God intervenes)..

Purpose, that's a big thought. What's your purpose? How are you giving your heart and soul to your purpose?

Practice

Today’s Inspiration:

“To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.”

Kurt Vonnegut said that.

I never thought of practice as a way to make my soul grow....until now. This journal challenge, opportunity, whatever you call it, does feel like my soul is growing. Today I felt a longing throughout the day, I longed for my time. My time to sit and write and feel and share me!

Practice has always seemed to me as something I had todo, so I usually shy away from anything with practice, wether it's for fun, learning or fitness.  I think what has kept me from practice of many things is my own mind, I get in my own way.  Doubt. I doubt my ability. I doubt that others will enjoy or care about what I do. I know I shouldn't care about what others think...but I do, particularly when I share my writing, cooking or baking. These are very personal things. 

I doubt my abilities. I doubt my family will think the time I spend on something that takes my focus from them is a waste of time. What is the art I really want to practice? Photography. I've always wanted to take amazing pictures. Pictures that tell a story. It seems there are so many photographers these days. I feel I'd be lost in a sea of photographers. I need to remember no matter how crappy my pictures turn out, the practice is good for my soul.

I think I have always known that practicing an art made your soul grow. Baking. Baking is the art that has always been good for my soul. Happy, sad, stressed, I bake. I share my baked goods.  The art of baking makes my heart smile.

New goals for making my soul grow: keep baking, keep writing, keep taking pictures.

The root...

Today's journal inspiration: “Cultivate the root, the leaves and branches will take care of themselves.”
Perfect timing to think about "the root". When I first began thinking about the root I immediately thought of relationships, people, the things that keep me grounded. Then I dug a little deeper and realized the root is more about me, the people are the branches and leaves. 

So, what do I need to do to cultivate the root?  I've been asking myself this question for a while only it sounded a little different. It sounded like, what do I do now? I have been feeling so struck, and lost. I know it sounds silly but my dreams in life had little to do with career but more with family. I wanted a complete family. I grew up with such a split family, I longed for the (in my head) "perfect family". You know husband, wife, and most of all kids. Well that dream took quite a while to come true so in the mean time I fell into a career. 

A career. Almost feels like a dirty word. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom using all those great early childhood ed skills I gained in college on my own kids. Turns out I enjoy working outside the home and actually have some pretty good skills. Sadly I don't think my current position is really using my skills. I have worked my way out of direct service...which I love. I can't afford to go back to teaching.

So....how do I cultivate the root? I am trying to figure out my career dream? What can I do that makes me happy and I'm good at? What do I need to do to gain the right skills? Or is being a mom with a job enough? Do I focus on my family now and me later? 

I guess it's time to do some investigation....

Keep it Simple

Today the journal post is about dwelling on the things that have occurred once we have committed. Once you made that simple commitment what unforeseen things have happened in you life. As I consider this for a moment I think about the commitment that changed my life forever. The day I committed to no longer date the man that is now my husband. The commitment really had nothing to do with him, but really me. I committed to myself that I wanted and deserved more and I was no longer going to accept less. It was a horribly horrifying decision to make. What if it meant I would end up alone? What if it meant I lost him as a friend? The what ifs nearly prevented the commitment. I should remember that. I should remember to stop letting what ifs ruin unforeseen events. If I had not made the commitment I wouldn't have the 3 biggest blessings of my life, my hubby and my babies.
Why do I let the what ifs stand in my way? Fear is so debilitating.
I think I am really supposed to be writing about journaling and keeping it simple. But that's what I thought about, making that commitment to myself that ultimately changed my life. Maybe my commitment to journaling will change my life. I have often started a written journal but never really kept it up. I guess I thought I got out everything I needed to. I wish I had kept one just see how I have changed or more likely how I haven't.
Keeping a journal was never something I knew people did. I don't remember when the idea was introduced to me but I remember thinking it was odd. Why would you write things down? Who's going to read it? It felt like an assignment. I have finally begun to understand some of the benefits. For now, I will commit to this journal. Writing my thoughts. Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process.

"There's no beginning too small".

I was introduced to this 30 day journal project from my friend Karen. Today's topic is an inspirational quote, "There's no beginning too small", by Henry David Thoreau . What a great thought. I have been wanting to get back to this blog for awhile but thought I didn't really have anything to write about. I've been just going through the motions - apparently since the end of 2013 from the looks of my last blog entry. I am very excited about this journal project.

 Each day, each opportunity I will try to remind myself, no beginning is too small. Its not too small to take a breath and stop my complaint mid sentence. It is not too small to forgive myself when my patience are running thin. It is not too small to drink another glass of water today to help my health tomorrow. It is not too small...

Truly, no beginning is too small! I really should try to remember this. So today I will put this to practice, no beginning is too small. I took the first step, I wrote today. I will begin again tomorrow and I will write again.

2013

2013 started with illness in our house, both Hubby and B had the stomach flu. It seemed to keep rolling down hill from there. I got the fun boot for my plantar fasciatis. L had an ear infection then strep if I remember correctly. Our Saturn Vue died.  My dad passed away at the end of February. B broke his leg at the end of May and in the fall Hubby had surgery for his carpal tunnel. Somewhere in there the washing machine died, the basement flooded and the garage door opener died.

I have to admit I spent most of the year depressed. It just felt like one thing after another kept bringing us down. I was having trouble seeing all the great things happening in spite of the crap. So, today as 2013 is coming to an end, I am saying goodbye to the crap of 2013 but also thinking about all the good.

The good of 2013 (in no certain order):

• L's smile
• B's laughter
• The support of our child care family at time of need
• The support of our family and friends (all the time and at need)
• A new van
• A car paid off
• A kitchen rehabbed
• A new sister-in-law
• Cousin getting married
• Friends getting married
• The health of grandparents
• Being employed
• My overall health and Hubby's as well
• Fun family vacation
• Celebrating hubby's aunt's 50th year of being a nun with her in KY
• Celebrating my grandparents 65th anniversary
• Friends having babies
• Prayers and words of wisdom from a friend
• Love from my hubby through good and bad
• Having an emergency fund to use in emergencies
• FAMILY TIME
• and whatever else I am missing

So many blessings in the past year. I know there are more to come in 2014. Thank you God for your love. Thank you friends and family for your love and support.

My resolution for 2014 is to truly count my blessings every day. 

Happy 2014!

6 months

Hey dad! It's me checking in. Can you even believe it has been six months since you left this earth? I can't. The days are long but time passes quickly. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you but only to realize you wouldn't be on the other end. To feel that ache that now sits in the pit of my stomach or the back of my throat to remind me of all that has been lost.

My birthday was this week. You didn't call. We both know it is not the first time. There were many birthdays that you missed when I was a child and it mattered more to me then, then it does now as an adult. It seemed though as I got older and we some how connected more yours was one of the first calls I would receive on my birthday. I missed your call Weds. The call where I could almost see your smile through your words over the phone. The call where you tell me stories of how you had to thump me in the incubator to get me to breath and how little I was. The call where you tell me how proud of me you are and happy that I am happy.

I am happy! I have an amazing husband and children. And my hubby is the type of father to our children that I always wanted when I was growing up. He makes me so happy. Our children put me over the moon. I am blessed with more then I deserve.

But somehow I am still sad. 6 months, and I am still sad. The memories of our relationship and how it wasn't always what a girl hopes for in a father/daughter relationship are displaced by the fact that you are gone and now there is no relationship. No chance for my children to really know you. I'm mad! I'm mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. I am mad that those damn cigarettes won. I'm mad that we weren't enough for you. (Funny that as I am writing this "I loved her first" by Heartland is playing on my Pandora)

There were so many things about you that drove me CRAZY. Now these are some of the same things that I am sad are no longer around. Things that my children will not get to know. You were always so punny. Always the one with a joke. Sometimes you were loud and I was emberrassed, but I couldn't see that maybe I should be more like you and a little less afraid of what others thought. You always greeted with a smile and a hug. I just wished those smiles and hugs were nearer when I needed them.

I kind of feel alone in this grief, that others have moved on in the ways that are their own. But me, I'm an emotional kind of girl, and I still hurt. I hurt for all the time we lost not REALLY knowing each other. I hurt for the time that is lost  due to your much too early death.

I know with time dad this hurt will lessen and I won't cry on every 27th of the month but eventually I will smile as I think of you. Maybe if you could let go a little from your end, I could let go a little from my end, and little by little we will each have a little more peace.

Time

We've all been there. Thinking back to childhood, the year seemed to creep by. It seemed FOREVER between the beginning of the school year and summer vacation or from one birthday until the next. Why does it seem the older we get the faster time goes? I can't remember a time where I thought time seemed to be creeping by, well except the work day. It is like you blink and the next thing is here. There's always something coming up. I don't know about you but it seems I think that something is far away then all of a sudden it is here. Like Easeter this year. I kept thinking, I should bring up the Easter decorations. I wasn't ready to put away the St. Patrick's Day towels so I put if off. Now Easter is 3 days away and still no Easter decorations.

This year Easter also brings with it our baby girl's brithday. What's that you say? She's not a baby? Holy crap, where has the time gone. You are right our girl will be turning 4. FOUR! I cannot believe four years have passed. Four years since I felt her move within me. Four years since she made her way into this world in her own unique style. Four years since our life was changed forever more.

The other side of the coin of time is that you always think you have more of it. But we don't do we? Really truly the only thing we are promised is this minute, this moment. I have a hard time with that one. I am a sucker for the past or the future, not so good in living in the moment. I know I don't take enough time to truly appreciate the moments with family and friends that I should.  I worry more about what hasn't happened or what happened in the past.

I can't imagine the amount of time I wasted when I was younger worrying about if I'd get married or have babies, and why didn't I have those things now. CRAZY! What a waste! I didn't enjoy the place and time I was in. Although I can look back and see the beauty of each phase of my life. I wish I could go back and give myself a clue. Since I can't go back, I will try giving myself that clue now.

I will try to live in the moment. To enjoy my life where it is, because that is where it is meant to be. To find the breath taking moments each day with my children and family. To not worry what the future will bring (well except maybe financially, still gotta pay down that debt and save so we can have a great future) but take care of today so when the future arrives it can be full of wonderful moments.

I have struggled in my life to understand God's timing. Although, God's timing has never failed, I find that I question it a lot. Most recently I questioned his timing with Dad's death. I wanted more time. More time for us to be a family. More time to understand my dad and for him to get to know me. Time for him to be amazed by my children and to maybe show them the love that I always seemed to be searching for.

I thank God for his timing. His gift of L was definitely in his time and not mine. But what a glorius gift she has turned out to be. Although I honestly have no idea how 4 years have gone by, I can look at pictures of L and remember every moment of this little girls life. I remember how she changed me. I can't tell you how she changed me I just know she did. She truly is amazing.

I remember when I was pregnant the warnings I would receive about enjoying every minute because before I knew it the baby would be a teenager. I laughed. I thought I knew what they meant. I could never really comprehend how fast time would go by until my baby was born. I swear she was just placed in my arms for the first time. Now she's a twirling, singing, dancing, questioning, beautiful, amazing 4 year old.

Here's your clue: Time truly is a gift so enjoy the present, you don't get it back. Don't say I never gave you a clue.

I get knocked down...

The first quarter of 2013 has not been my friend in many ways. This has really come as a shock since 13 has always actually been lucky for me. So far 2013 has left me wondering what in the world I did in 2012 to have karma kicking me so hard.

If being honest this karmic crap storm actually started on Christmas Day 2012. B woke with the reddest eye and raging fever. Poor littly guy slept through Santa's gifts and I think really would have preferred if we had left him in bed for the day. But we motored on and took the kids to my moms for breakfast and gifts. He passed out 2/3 the way through the gifts. His nap made me late for Christmas at my in-laws, although hubby and L made it. When I arrived my father in law was rushing out to see my bro in law who was in the hopsital, which meant B and I really missed Christmas at the in-laws. The day after Christmas we had planned to have my dad and his wife over for breakfast, but since B was sick I cancelled to take him to the doctor. Cancelling meant I didn't get to spend much time with dad during his brief visit for Christmas. We did spend the evening of the 26th with my dad and his side of the family. Once again a little short since the little man spiked a fever while we were there. 

I started 2013 hoping for a good year, only to be knocked down on day one when hubby got hit with the stomach flu. B followed hubby, but he got it in the middle of the night. Before the end of January both Hubby and I were both sick with sinus issues and unfortunately it followed us into February. L was next with a double ear infection. Our budget was hit hard with all of these medical expenses since my flexible spending account was depleted (our benefit year started over in January). OH wait, I left out the most fun part of January for me. I was diagnosed in early January with plantar fasciatis and a heel spur and was put in a boot for 3 weeks! That was a blast!

Towards the end of February we were hit with some good snow storms. Dad called to check on us. During this conversation we began planning a family party for March 10th. He thought that my nieces party was going to be that day for her birthday which was Feb 28th, and he knew he wouldn't be able to make it back in town for L's birthday. So we planned a party for Dad, who would be 65 on March 10th, my niece, L, my dad's wife and my twin cousins who will turn 18 in early April. I was to be in charge of the cake and picking up the food. Dad and I had talked a few times over Feb, which for us was a lot, but I could tell he was getting excited to come to town for the party.

My home phone rang about 6 am on Thursday February 28. I had left my cell phone off that night as we were down to one charger and hubby was charging his phone. Later I saw that I had text messages from my brother to call him. I answered the phone half awake, heart pounding. On the other end was my brother, "Jen, I have bad news." My heart dropped. So many things rushed through my head. Our mom was on a cruise, could something have happened to her? Our grandfather, mom's dad, has been ill off and on, did he die? But nothing could really prepare for what I heard my brother say next, "Dad died". "What?" I heard myself say.

I can't begin to explain the shock. I have struggled to explain the feelings I have felt. I kind of always thought that I would be sad but not like overwhelmed with grief when dad died. But I was totally and utterly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness and anger. I was so mad at him. Why didn't he stop smoking? Why didn't he take better care of himself. You see dad died of a heart attack. This one was pretty much an instant killer from what I was told. This wasn't his first, but it was his last. Dad had his first heart attack at my current age, and has had 2 others. I can't remember if he's had 2 or 3 open heart surgeries, all of that is irrelevant now.

Now there is a hole. A hole that had existed prior to his death. A hole that now would never have the chance to filled. A hole that began in infancy when dad left mom. A hole that had partially been filled through the years but had a long way to go to being filled. Sometimes the hole would appear to be filled only to have the covering ripped off. On Feb 28 it became a permanent hole. The days following would seem to make the hole deeper. The thought of my children never really knowing their grandpa. And no matter what my relationship was with him over the years, there are pieces of him that they should have known. Pieces that I will try to remember more then the pain between us.

My dad, was witty or should I say punny. Everytime we talked he had a joke, sometimes the same one. He did have a great smile and laugh.

Dad's funeral was rediculously painful and something I am still struggling with.  I will make my peace with it some day. For now I just long for those who knew my dad best to share with me who he was. Who he was as a kid, teenager, and man. Who he was before mom, after mom and before  his wife. These are the typical stories that are shared when someone dies. But I felt more like a stranger in my dads house then his daughter.

Three weeks have gone by. I am trying to focus my attention to L's upcoming birthday and to Easter. Easter, the time of rebirth and renewal. Spring a time for life. But at least once a day I tear up and remember, dad's dead. I will not see him again, until we meet again in heaven (if I make it there).

Ok 2013, ENOUGH! I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to be healthy, for myself and my family. Now if you could stop kicking me back down, I would appreciate it.

Making a change

When I started this blog it was really focused on my families journey to become debt free. We are still on that journey but I've had a little writers block about what to share lately and have found that I really have other things I wanted to write about, things I wanted to share. Starting today Here's Your Clue will be not just about our journey to be debt free but also about our life. I hope readers enjoy reading about the clues we receive along the way and take some clues for their own lives. I pretend this blog is for you, but really it's for me. It is for me to learn from the lessons in my life, and to catalog the many clues I have been given, so maybe, just maybe, I won't have to repeat so many lessons.

Now that I am not pigeon holed by the thought of this blog being about becoming debt free, I think I just might write a little more. I hope there are some of readers out there that will come along with me.

So, on to the shifted blog. (I wish that there was  a device that could write your thoughts. I had this whole blog written in my head the other day. It sounded so much better in my head. If it is a little disjointed, I'm sorry. I 'll do better another day.)

Change. I am not really a fan of change. I don't know why that is, because change is the one thing that is guaranteed to happen. I've just never been a roll with the punches kind of girl. I like things a certain way, but I will admit I'm not good at communicating the way I like things. When I have many things to do, I make a list, and get them done. I make lists of things I need to pack if going on a trip. I'm a planner, sort of. Some of my lists only exist in my head, which isn't always helpful to Hubby.  If I plan, then things will go the way I plan, right, and I won't have to change. Ha! You would think after becoming a mom close to four years ago, I would know that you can't plan for everything.

Change. In 2012 Hubby and I started tackling our debt and trying to be fiscally responsible. UGH! That change has been much more painful for me then I like to admit. Knowing where our money is going is good, it is the right thing to do. I can often be found suggesting to others how they can get on board with budgeting and envelope system. I do think the changes we have made have been good for our marriage. BUT! I miss the impulse shopping. I miss going to lunch with co-workers and friends whenever I want. I miss not thinking about money. I don't miss the occasional overdraft.  I don't miss the number of credit card payments that has dwindled to one. I have gone kicking and screaming into this change. I have tried to turn around from time to time but darn if something doesn't push me back into the right direction.

Change. With budgeting under our belt, this year Hubby and I have been tackling weight loss and getting healthy. Seriously? Weight loss? UGH! Double UGH! I have struggled with my weight my whole life. So, this time, for like the 100th time, I joined Weight Watchers. The difference this time is that Hubby is doing it with me. Ok, maybe this will work this time. Maybe! We have been trying different recipes, buying good foods, tracking what we are eating, and so far, good results. But, let's be honest here. I am a fat girl through and through. I love food. Fatty foods, cheesy foods, red meat and the food at the top of my food pyramid, ice cream. This is not my first rodeo, I get that moderation is the key to sustained weight loss. But come on people, do you really not eat carbs after lunch?? I'm sorry. I can't go that far.

Change. Exercise. Really, people do this, and feel the need to on a daily basis? I just don't believe it. In no way is it fun, relaxing or invigorating. You people are crazy. I get it though, I NEED to do it for my heart, and tone up my flab. It just blows me away when I read these stories on Weight Watchers about people who have lost substantial weight who went from couch potato to "I exercise an hour a day, every day". SERIOUSLY? Is there a drug that helped you do that? Because when my alarm goes off, every muscle in my body screams, "NO KEEP SLEEPING".

I don't know what my issue is with change. Some changes have come so easily, like sharing my home with my husband. I honestly thought it would be more difficult. Giving up that independent lifestyle. Giving up the ability to hang what ever I wanted on the walls without discussing it first. Giving up cooking whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But sharing my life and home with my husband has probably been one of the easiest changes of my life. Maybe it is because he gets me and has made the change so easy. Don't get me wrong, there are some pieces of that change that have not been easy, but they definitely aren't even worth mentioning because life with him is better then life without.

We can discuss the changes that come with kids another day. That's like a hundred posts worth of change.

Change is not my favorite thing. But the clue I have been hit over the head with is, change is constant it. Deal with it or be miserable. I think I will try to deal with it and embrace the challenge.

Apples and Trees

As I am thinking about what I want to write, I don't think this post has much to do with our road to being debt free. So, if you are here for your lesson on how we are becoming debt free, you can move along. If you are just looking for a feel good kind thing to read, read on!

There's a saying that says, "apples don't fall far from trees". I often joke that my children are a lot like me and that the apple didn't fall far. My mom has often said, if I start acting like my mom you have permission to tell me so. I think most women fear a little that they will act like their mom. I know there are many things that I do that were picked up from my mom, and even my grandma. Before we got married my husband was even worried that I would turn out like my grandma, a little bossy. But as I think about Christmas and my grandma and my mom, I have never been more thankful to be the apple that didn't fall far from the tree.

When I was a little girl every Christmas Eve we would gather at my grandma's house. My mom, her siblings and their children. We would begin with a huge Thanksgiving-like meal. Following the meal would begin the gift giving. This was a sight to be seen. First my mom and her siblings and their spouses would exchange the gifts that they had purchased for the person whose name they drew at our Thanksgiving meal. Next my grandma would send the men down stairs to retrieve the presents. They would bring up trash bags full of wrapped gifts. On each gift was a number, not a name. My grandma had a list of each gift numbered, who it belonged to and what was in the package.

Often the children would help pass out the gifts. You would just hear numbers being shouted out and see grandma looking at her list telling who the gift belonged to. This is where the magic would happen, and if you weren't paying attention you might have missed it. Lucky for me I saw it! As grandma would look at her list she would grin as she would say who the gift was for. She delighted in picking out each item for each person and it showed on her face. Grandma would also be the first to remind the person with the fewest gifts "some people's money went further then others". Just thinking about it makes me laugh. You see, she spent the same amount on each grand child. If you preferred named brand items or things that cost a lot, you would only get a few packages. If you you weren't so picky, you received a lot of packages (much to my brothers disgust, I often had a lot of gifts. This is still the running joke as we open presents at my mothers house on Christmas day).

Once the gifts were all open, some family members would head out to midnight mass. A few times we (my mom and brother and I) stayed at grandma and grandpa's house. I always thought these Christmas's were extra special. I got to spend Christmas morning with my mom and my grandparents, and Santa found us at grandma's. Little did I know these were the Christmas's that were most painful for my mom and thats why we spent the night at grandma's. Over the years I have come to understand just how painful Christmas can be for my mom. Each year, my brother and I spent Christmas day with our dad. So, there was my mom, all alone on Christmas day. As a mother now, I can't imagine how difficult that was.

Although my grandparents are still with us (thank the Lord!) Christmas Eve looks a little different these days. They no longer have the ability to do all that shopping and purchasing. But the magic lives on. Each Christmas morning my brother and his family and my family join my mom and step dad for breakfast, followed by a round of gifts.

I think the tradition of a list with gifts written on it, has been a little odd to my husband, but it makes me smile every time I see it. Each year my mom purchases gifts for all of us, her children, our spouses and our children. You should see the obscene display. But as the gifts get passed out and as the gifts are open, you can see my mom light up. Although I appreciate the gits, I love to see my mom happy even more. She really seems to delight in seeing the reaction of all of us as we open the gifts that she picked out. I love it!

This morning as I was contemplating one more gift to give my husband, I realized the apple sure didn't fall far from the tree. I want to buy the gift and give it to him, because I know it will make him happy. I too value the ability to give. I realize that as you read this you may think I am writing about receiving gifts, and in a way I am. Not the gifts that are wrapped up in a package but the gift of a giving spirit. My mom, my grandma, they taught me that.

My mom, has given me many gifts in my life. But truly the best gifts are the ones that no one else may ever see. She taught me to be a good mom, to be a giver, and to be Christian. She taught me to be strong and not to give up. She taught me how to love and live. For all of these things I am truly grateful.

So go ahead, tell me that I am acting like my mom. I will take that as a compliment!

Merry Christmas!

The Balancing Act

Wow, it's been a month since my last post. I guess no news is good news.

Last week a mother from our child care passed away. There are only about 6 or 7 families at this child care, so we all know each other. This family though had only started back in September. We had a Thanksgiving lunch the Saturday before Thanksgiving. This was my first and only introduction to the mom. Our child care provider emailed all of the families to let us know of the tragedy. The mom hadn't been sick. I found out today it was a brain aneurysm.

Every time I think of this family and what they are going through my heart aches and I get sick to my stomach. Like most normal people, I begin to think "what if". What if that happened to us? What if I died and Hubby had to care for our two children? What if Hubby died and I had to pick up the pieces and keep going? How do people do that?

As I have been thinking of the different things my family can do to help this family, I realized there are some big things that are left undone at my house, and if any of the what ifs came true our children would be screwed. Two big things are on our "to do" list, 1) fill out our life insurance papers to secure additional term coverage (the papers are ther, we need to just do it- thank Nike) 2) we need a will. We have done our children diservice by not doing these two things.

During FPU we had learned about the importance of life insurance and the amount you needed while still in debt and not havine a fully funded emergency fund. WE NEED A LOT! In my investigating we made the decision to only get part of the total amount we need. It's what we can fit into our budget reasonably right now, and combined with a work policy it is sufficient. I had heard the family that lost the mom didn't have life insurance. Now I feel the urgency to fill out the paper work.

Although life insurance has been weighing heavily on my mind it is actually low on the list as far as my financial and personal goals. This woman was 11 months younger then me, and her life was ended so suddenly. There are so many things I want to do. Thank the Lord I have been able to do the two most meaningful things I have wanted to do, be a mother and wife. But I also want to travel! I am 38 years old and I've never been out of the country (well I've been to Mexico, does that count?).

I have had SERIOUS thoughts about saying screw the plan, lets buy some plane tickets! I need not ony a vacation but an opportunity to spend some time with my husband, who is working his butt off for our family. I miss him! We still haven't had a honeymoon or any type of trip since getting married four years ago. Even as I write this I want to hop on travelocity and check on trips to Ireland or even Florida or Hawaii, anywhere. But I can't. I won't. Because.....gezelle intensity. Stupid gezelle! I'm going to walmart to get a gun!

I know I am supposed to be working on paying down debt with gezelle intensity, but I need some fun and some balance in my life. How do you work that in without feeling like your are screwing your future for some peace today? And is that peace worth it, because what if you die tomorrow? I don't want to die with regret. But on the flipside, I don't want the regret to be that we didn't stick to our plan and pay down debt so now we have dug ourself a bigger hole.

As it is my budget is all a bit hazy this month. I know we are making huge strides because I am almost done Christmas shopping and nothing has been put on a credit card.

So friends, how do you balance being faithful to your plan while ensuring you don't go crazy in the mean time? Do you just stick to the plan for 2-3-4 years and then when you are done, save for that trip or whatever it is that keeps you sane? Or do you say, I need this and add in a hundred or two to your budget to start working toward your desire? I know Dave would tell me to save for it and stop whining. I know we could be doing more to pay down our debt. I guess I just need to start getting creative and sell off as much as I can so we can get a little joy.

Breathing Easier

Things have settled down with my job. Feeling more confident that I will be employed in the coming year. What a huge relief, and eye opener. I had always heard you should have 3-6 months expenses in savings, but I used to laugh and think "who does that?". Now I am feeling the pressure to take the road less traveled and to have a fully funded emergency fund.

Talk about a major set back batman. If I had to enter the new year without a job our debt would have increased drastically and quickly. For now, I don't have to worry about that pending doom, but there's always going to be the chance a grant runs dry and I will need to scramble to look for a job. It just makes sense to be prepared for that day, instead of hoping it never comes. I was once told, hoping is not a plan.

Our plan is now to keep working at chipping away at our debt, month by month, until it no longer exists. And it is going a little slower then I would like I have to admit. BUT, it is going. Going down, going in the correct direction. That fact feels so good.

A couple weeks ago our car personal property  renewal forms came in the mail. Usually this is a huge source of stress. This time it was a big high five to the fact that we had saved $50 more then the renewal cost. WE SAVED THE MONEY! WE AREN'T ADDING TO OUR DEBT!!!!!! We aren't adding to our debt for a cost we know is going to come every year in November. It still blows me away, that not only did we save for this in just about 3 months time, we also saved for our emergency fund and were paying down our debt. Who are these people? They can't be me and hubby. This is not how we operate, or is it? It is now.

Last night I finalized our November budget. I also have December and January projected. I was just amazed at the amount of money we had saved for Christmas presents and we put money in our food budget for all the get togethers that will surely add up.

I'm starting to feel the rock that we've been under lighten up. I'm starting to feel the changes in behavior take place. Oddly I am so excited for this Christmas season. I can't wait to go shopping. It doesn't feel like a chore, but a great opportunity. It feels like the way it is supposed to. The fun of giving gifts. For the first time in YEARS we will be giving gifts without burying ourselves in debt. It doesn't erase the debt that we have, but it sure makes it feel more manageable.

We do still need to create a budget for the gifts. Just because we have the cash doesn't mean we can freely spend it or we will end up needing a gift for someone and no money. I think that budget will be a great guide! This telling your money where to go and how to work is working out so much better then money telling me where it is going. Why didn't we do this before?????????

Budget is a buzzkill!

In class we were reminded over and over that this was really about changing behaviors. And damn it I am not so sure I like the behaviors it is changing! What the hell do people do when they feel down and frustrated if they can't shop? Eat? I can't do that either!

So life is definitely throwing some lemons my way right now. My job (thanks to the Governor) is in jeopardy. My job is grant funded. Each year I get to play this game where I (with help from others) write a grant application to the state and after a month or so we get word on whether we are funded or not. Well this year, the rules of the game changed. WE were so used to the old rules, these new rules won't really allow us to be a good player in the game.

So as you can imagine, I'm a little stressed. I might be categorized as an emotional person, on a good day. So add a little (or a lot) of stress and well you've got a stress ball on your hands. A stress ball that just might burst out in tears at a moments notice. (Why do I use SO so often???)

Typically when feeling this way I would do one of two things...or both things really. 1) Shop 2) Eat. After losing 40lbs earlier this year, I'm not really eager to begin stress eating. But I did bake some pretty darn good pumpkin cookies the other night. My next logical thought is, shop, when can I go shopping?  (I almost started with SO again, I have to stop that). With it being so close to Christmas, going shopping is like killing two birds with one stone. I get to medicate my stress with shopping, while actually being productive and getting Christmas gifts. I start thinking this is great!

Then I hear Dave Ramsey's voice in my ear as if he's the little angel sitting on my shoulder "did you save for that?" No Dave I did not save for my emotional melt down. But damn it now your voice is in my head and I won't enjoy shopping. Thank you very much (seriously thank you...my wonderful habits would have added to my waistline and our debt)!

Some day we will get to the point that we have extra money that we don't have a SPECIFIC plan for. Some day I will get to shop whenever I want to, within reason. For now I guess I'm stuck learning how to change my behaviors.

Again, I ask, what do people do when they are an emotional wreck? PLEASE, please don't answer exercise, because I can tell you that is not happening! Yes, that is a behavior I need to change too, but I seriously doubt that it will bring me the type of satisfaction I once found in food and shopping.

Can you worry and have faith?

I started this post about 2 weeks ago and keep thinking I need to get back to it. Today full of even more worry then I was 2 weeks ago I've decided it is time to finish. Maybe if I get all the worry out I can put it aside and let God take care of it.

I don't know if you can tell, but I'm a worrier. I even own a book called The Worrier's Guide to the Patron Saints. Maybe I should consult it. I wonder if there is a saint that would help me stop being a worrier. I don't really know where the worry comes from. I had a pretty stable childhood, for a child of divorced parents. But as long as I can remember I've worried about things. No matter how many great quotes I see about worrying or about putting your faith in God, this is one thing about me that I can't seem to change. Don't get me wrong, I have a strong faith in God and I know that God is watching over me and listening to my prayers. The thing is, God and I don't always agree on timing.

I imagine your wondering, what the heck does the fact that you are a worry have to do with you and your journey to become debt free? (if you haven't read my last entry...you might want to do that now, and you will have your answer) Becoming debt free is a part of a plan. A plan for our future and our children's future.  I worry because I want the best for my children and I'm afraid that I won't be able to provide it particular because of decisions I have made in my past. Decisions that were made before they were even a glimmer. I worry because I've chosen a certain career path, and although I know I have the power to change it, I don't know that I want to. For the past 12 years I have worked in grant funded positions. Meaning about once a year I don't know how much longer I will have a job. We've hit that time of year.

When I think of making a financial plan for the future my career definitely plays a part in why I worry. We are making great strides right now, but what if January 1, I don't have job? What then? I know logic says worry about that when it happens, but something in my gut says, worry about it now. If the economy was better, if there didn't seem to be an attack on early childhood education in KS and MO, I might not worry so much. I have great skills that are applicable to many different situations but I thrive in early childhood education. But that doesn't mean I will find a job that suits me or pays enough to support our family in the way we have been acustomed.

It is some what humurous that I worry about this and can't just seem to put it into God's hands. He has provided for me so many times in my life. Each and every job has seem to come when it was time. I've had wonderful opportunities. I know he will provide when the time comes again. BUT...at the same time I believe in the philosophy that God helps those who help themselves. My fear is that I will be like the man who is sitting on his roof top as the water rises and when help comes he says God will take care of me. Then when he finally drowns and goes to heaven he asks God why he didn't save him, and God replies I sent you help, you didn't take it. What if I don't recognize God's help when it arrives?

The Dave Ramsey class has definitely been a gift from God, my own personal "clue". He has opened our eyes to an error in our ways and has helped us develop a path to fix that error. We aren't perfect but we are making strides. I know life happens and it could put a kink in our plan, a tree in our road, but we will get around it. Even with my faith knowing that we will somehow make it through, I can't stop from worrying. Doing our monthly budget stops me from worrying so much about our finances, but honestly not completely. I think it has stopped the day to day worry but hasn't really chased away the future finance worries.

I know there shouldn't be room for worry when I have strong faith in God and God's plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Somehow I need to make this my mantra and know that God is for me, and if God is for me, who can be against me. Old habits die hard! I will try to hold strong to his message and push out the worry. I can be like the little blue engine and each day say, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." That's all I can do, try.

Hmmm...why are we doing this?

Tonight in class (FPU Class) we talked about baby step 4 saving for retirement and tuition.  As class began I was thinking, great these are two things we need to know about. Let me back up a second and remind you (and me) what the first three baby steps are: 1) $1000 emergency fund, 2) debt snowball (paying down debt with gazelle intensity) 3) fully funded emergency fund (3-6 months expenses). So first you complete steps 1-3 before beginning step 4. Makes sense.

Dave Ramsey suggests that you invest up to 15% of your salary into retirement, putting up to the max allowed into a Roth IRA. Ok, seems reasonable. This is where I started doing math in my head and my pulse started quickening. Dave talked about the ins and outs and dos and donts with IRA's. I really understood it all. I've been putting money in my IRA since I was 22.

After retirement we began to talk about tuition for the kiddos. Apparently you can put up to $2000 per kid in an ESA. So, two kiddos, $4000. (I think this is where I started breathing heavy). In my workbook you can see the scribblings of my quick math.

IF...big if....we were to invest in our retirement and save for the kids college at the rates suggested, we'd need to be saving/ investing way more then we are currently paying on debt. Feeling the big cloud coming over my head now. Feeling the rock crushing my chest. Can't breath. Want to cry.

The point that Dave drives home each class is that you live like no one else so that later you can LIVE like no one else. So if I do what I am supposed to do, pay down my debt, keep living in the hood where I'm afraid for my family, invest in my retirement fund, save for the kids college, where will we be? In the same f-ing place we are now.

Why should we bust our ass to get this debt paid off so that our quality of life stays the same? Once the debt is paid and we work on the next baby steps, we still won't have extra money to do any kind of living. So Dave, tell me how I'm going to LIVE like no one else. If we turn around and put the money we're paying to debt to retirement and to tuition, there still won't be the things I want for my family. No vacations. No different house in a better school district. No Hubby quitting his second job and spending more time with us.

It's days like this that I want to give up.  We are only having two children so we can give them a good life. But we can't even give them a good life. So why do this? Why? We could just keep going on our merry way and pay for things with credit card, go on vacations on credit. ENJOY LIFE.

Writing this now there are tears in my eyes and I feel like I can't breath. We were supposed to be living like no one else so we can LIVE like no one else. I want to be able to provide the world for my children. That's why we are doing this. I want to be able to show them the world, well at least parts of th US. I want to travel outside of the US with my husband some day. But instead we will pay off our debt and begin working on steps 3 & 4 and we will continue living month to month (but saving for the future). What's the point?

A Snowball's Chance...

I feared this when I started writing this blog, that I wouldn't be good at making it a very regular thing. Sorry it has been a while since I have updated our progress.

Baby steps. This journey is all about baby steps. Baby steps to changing behavior. As if that is an easy thing to do. I have tried many times in my life to make changes to behavior but often end up back where I began. True these behaviors were different then the ones we are changing now, but I fear we will end with the same result. The result of slowly slacking and letting old habits creep in, and bringing their friends with them. I am curious if I will learn lessons from these behaviors that we are changing that I can apply to others, or if I can even compare the two. You may have guessed the behavior I am talking about....eating.

Let's compare them for a moment, eating and living in debt. How are they similar? Eating tasty good foods will add to your waistline. Buying things on credit adds to your debt. Eating good foods and buying things when you want them feels good in the moment, but often ends in some sort of remorse. Both are easy to rack up, pounds and debt, but hard to take off.

A good friend once told me that in life you have to repeat lessons until you learn them. At the time she was talking about my ability or inability to work with someone who is passive aggressive. Today I see how this statement/philosophy fits my struggle with both my weight and our debt. I have recently lost a significant amount of weight, but have been on hiatus for a couple months as we have been working on the beginnig of our debt free journey. In those couple months I have kept some of the behaviors that helped me lose weight, while letting old bad behaviors creep back in. I wonder if I can learn my lesson this time? I wonder if I can finally break the cycle of letting bad choices influence my health, both physical and financial.

We recently started on our debt snowball. Paying off our debt, smallest debt first, increasing each months payment as we eliminate each debt. I wonder if our debt snowball has a snowball's chance in hell to accumulate the funds needed to pay down the debt. I feel good about our journey and our successes so far. We have paid down our first 2 small debts, and after this month we will move on to the next. But sometimes the desire to "have" overrides the desire to pay down debt.

These days there are so many things that can sabotage your goal of becoming debt free. Each day I get emails telling me about this deal or that deal. They seem so hard to resist. THEY WILL SAVE US MONEY, the devil on my shoulder says, then the angel replies THEY AREN'T SAVING YOU MONEY WHEN YOU DIDN'T PLAN TO BUY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Devil: "But you need it." Angel: "You can live with out it another day" (holy moly I have mutiple personalities!) And don't get me started on Nebraska Furniture Mart. Stupid 30month no interest. That just fuels my desire to buy stuff I/WE don't need. I tell you what though, the day I get an email that says a trip to Ireland is like $350...all bets are off! :) I will not be able to be held liable for my actions on that day.

I know if we are going to be successful in this we will have to learn to build in money for fun, and for life. We were successful in doing that this month. Hubby and I knew we were going to go to the Irish Fest (it's kind of our thing) so we built money in the budget to go and enjoy ourselves. It did mean buying less crap from the shops. We normally each would have gotten something and maybe something for the kids. But we had a great night out. I konw we can't plan for everything and I guess that's where your emergency fund comes in. I can't wait for the day when that is fully funded at 3-6 months of income.

Earlier I compared this to changing the habits of eating. I thought I was going to say that this is easier. Truly they are equally hard. I love food! And I like having what I want when I want it. I know to be successful in both it comes down to discipline and making a plan. The days/weeks when I have a menu planned, I eat better. The months we have had a budget, our money went further and we started paying down debt and stopped incurring debt. Now if I could just start doing my menu when I do my budget, maybe we would start killing 2 birds with one stone. Then if we killed 2 birds we could have dinner for 2....wait I took that a little too far.

So as of right now I give our debt snowball a pretty good chance at getting bigger and covering a lot of ground. We are lucky we have people who have been there, done that, who can remind us why we started. OR we can look at the face of our beautiful children and be reminded why it is so important that we continue our journey.