The root...

Today's journal inspiration: “Cultivate the root, the leaves and branches will take care of themselves.”
Perfect timing to think about "the root". When I first began thinking about the root I immediately thought of relationships, people, the things that keep me grounded. Then I dug a little deeper and realized the root is more about me, the people are the branches and leaves. 

So, what do I need to do to cultivate the root?  I've been asking myself this question for a while only it sounded a little different. It sounded like, what do I do now? I have been feeling so struck, and lost. I know it sounds silly but my dreams in life had little to do with career but more with family. I wanted a complete family. I grew up with such a split family, I longed for the (in my head) "perfect family". You know husband, wife, and most of all kids. Well that dream took quite a while to come true so in the mean time I fell into a career. 

A career. Almost feels like a dirty word. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom using all those great early childhood ed skills I gained in college on my own kids. Turns out I enjoy working outside the home and actually have some pretty good skills. Sadly I don't think my current position is really using my skills. I have worked my way out of direct service...which I love. I can't afford to go back to teaching.

So....how do I cultivate the root? I am trying to figure out my career dream? What can I do that makes me happy and I'm good at? What do I need to do to gain the right skills? Or is being a mom with a job enough? Do I focus on my family now and me later? 

I guess it's time to do some investigation....

Keep it Simple

Today the journal post is about dwelling on the things that have occurred once we have committed. Once you made that simple commitment what unforeseen things have happened in you life. As I consider this for a moment I think about the commitment that changed my life forever. The day I committed to no longer date the man that is now my husband. The commitment really had nothing to do with him, but really me. I committed to myself that I wanted and deserved more and I was no longer going to accept less. It was a horribly horrifying decision to make. What if it meant I would end up alone? What if it meant I lost him as a friend? The what ifs nearly prevented the commitment. I should remember that. I should remember to stop letting what ifs ruin unforeseen events. If I had not made the commitment I wouldn't have the 3 biggest blessings of my life, my hubby and my babies.
Why do I let the what ifs stand in my way? Fear is so debilitating.
I think I am really supposed to be writing about journaling and keeping it simple. But that's what I thought about, making that commitment to myself that ultimately changed my life. Maybe my commitment to journaling will change my life. I have often started a written journal but never really kept it up. I guess I thought I got out everything I needed to. I wish I had kept one just see how I have changed or more likely how I haven't.
Keeping a journal was never something I knew people did. I don't remember when the idea was introduced to me but I remember thinking it was odd. Why would you write things down? Who's going to read it? It felt like an assignment. I have finally begun to understand some of the benefits. For now, I will commit to this journal. Writing my thoughts. Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process.

"There's no beginning too small".

I was introduced to this 30 day journal project from my friend Karen. Today's topic is an inspirational quote, "There's no beginning too small", by Henry David Thoreau . What a great thought. I have been wanting to get back to this blog for awhile but thought I didn't really have anything to write about. I've been just going through the motions - apparently since the end of 2013 from the looks of my last blog entry. I am very excited about this journal project.

 Each day, each opportunity I will try to remind myself, no beginning is too small. Its not too small to take a breath and stop my complaint mid sentence. It is not too small to forgive myself when my patience are running thin. It is not too small to drink another glass of water today to help my health tomorrow. It is not too small...

Truly, no beginning is too small! I really should try to remember this. So today I will put this to practice, no beginning is too small. I took the first step, I wrote today. I will begin again tomorrow and I will write again.

2013

2013 started with illness in our house, both Hubby and B had the stomach flu. It seemed to keep rolling down hill from there. I got the fun boot for my plantar fasciatis. L had an ear infection then strep if I remember correctly. Our Saturn Vue died.  My dad passed away at the end of February. B broke his leg at the end of May and in the fall Hubby had surgery for his carpal tunnel. Somewhere in there the washing machine died, the basement flooded and the garage door opener died.

I have to admit I spent most of the year depressed. It just felt like one thing after another kept bringing us down. I was having trouble seeing all the great things happening in spite of the crap. So, today as 2013 is coming to an end, I am saying goodbye to the crap of 2013 but also thinking about all the good.

The good of 2013 (in no certain order):

• L's smile
• B's laughter
• The support of our child care family at time of need
• The support of our family and friends (all the time and at need)
• A new van
• A car paid off
• A kitchen rehabbed
• A new sister-in-law
• Cousin getting married
• Friends getting married
• The health of grandparents
• Being employed
• My overall health and Hubby's as well
• Fun family vacation
• Celebrating hubby's aunt's 50th year of being a nun with her in KY
• Celebrating my grandparents 65th anniversary
• Friends having babies
• Prayers and words of wisdom from a friend
• Love from my hubby through good and bad
• Having an emergency fund to use in emergencies
• FAMILY TIME
• and whatever else I am missing

So many blessings in the past year. I know there are more to come in 2014. Thank you God for your love. Thank you friends and family for your love and support.

My resolution for 2014 is to truly count my blessings every day. 

Happy 2014!

6 months

Hey dad! It's me checking in. Can you even believe it has been six months since you left this earth? I can't. The days are long but time passes quickly. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you but only to realize you wouldn't be on the other end. To feel that ache that now sits in the pit of my stomach or the back of my throat to remind me of all that has been lost.

My birthday was this week. You didn't call. We both know it is not the first time. There were many birthdays that you missed when I was a child and it mattered more to me then, then it does now as an adult. It seemed though as I got older and we some how connected more yours was one of the first calls I would receive on my birthday. I missed your call Weds. The call where I could almost see your smile through your words over the phone. The call where you tell me stories of how you had to thump me in the incubator to get me to breath and how little I was. The call where you tell me how proud of me you are and happy that I am happy.

I am happy! I have an amazing husband and children. And my hubby is the type of father to our children that I always wanted when I was growing up. He makes me so happy. Our children put me over the moon. I am blessed with more then I deserve.

But somehow I am still sad. 6 months, and I am still sad. The memories of our relationship and how it wasn't always what a girl hopes for in a father/daughter relationship are displaced by the fact that you are gone and now there is no relationship. No chance for my children to really know you. I'm mad! I'm mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. I am mad that those damn cigarettes won. I'm mad that we weren't enough for you. (Funny that as I am writing this "I loved her first" by Heartland is playing on my Pandora)

There were so many things about you that drove me CRAZY. Now these are some of the same things that I am sad are no longer around. Things that my children will not get to know. You were always so punny. Always the one with a joke. Sometimes you were loud and I was emberrassed, but I couldn't see that maybe I should be more like you and a little less afraid of what others thought. You always greeted with a smile and a hug. I just wished those smiles and hugs were nearer when I needed them.

I kind of feel alone in this grief, that others have moved on in the ways that are their own. But me, I'm an emotional kind of girl, and I still hurt. I hurt for all the time we lost not REALLY knowing each other. I hurt for the time that is lost  due to your much too early death.

I know with time dad this hurt will lessen and I won't cry on every 27th of the month but eventually I will smile as I think of you. Maybe if you could let go a little from your end, I could let go a little from my end, and little by little we will each have a little more peace.

Time

We've all been there. Thinking back to childhood, the year seemed to creep by. It seemed FOREVER between the beginning of the school year and summer vacation or from one birthday until the next. Why does it seem the older we get the faster time goes? I can't remember a time where I thought time seemed to be creeping by, well except the work day. It is like you blink and the next thing is here. There's always something coming up. I don't know about you but it seems I think that something is far away then all of a sudden it is here. Like Easeter this year. I kept thinking, I should bring up the Easter decorations. I wasn't ready to put away the St. Patrick's Day towels so I put if off. Now Easter is 3 days away and still no Easter decorations.

This year Easter also brings with it our baby girl's brithday. What's that you say? She's not a baby? Holy crap, where has the time gone. You are right our girl will be turning 4. FOUR! I cannot believe four years have passed. Four years since I felt her move within me. Four years since she made her way into this world in her own unique style. Four years since our life was changed forever more.

The other side of the coin of time is that you always think you have more of it. But we don't do we? Really truly the only thing we are promised is this minute, this moment. I have a hard time with that one. I am a sucker for the past or the future, not so good in living in the moment. I know I don't take enough time to truly appreciate the moments with family and friends that I should.  I worry more about what hasn't happened or what happened in the past.

I can't imagine the amount of time I wasted when I was younger worrying about if I'd get married or have babies, and why didn't I have those things now. CRAZY! What a waste! I didn't enjoy the place and time I was in. Although I can look back and see the beauty of each phase of my life. I wish I could go back and give myself a clue. Since I can't go back, I will try giving myself that clue now.

I will try to live in the moment. To enjoy my life where it is, because that is where it is meant to be. To find the breath taking moments each day with my children and family. To not worry what the future will bring (well except maybe financially, still gotta pay down that debt and save so we can have a great future) but take care of today so when the future arrives it can be full of wonderful moments.

I have struggled in my life to understand God's timing. Although, God's timing has never failed, I find that I question it a lot. Most recently I questioned his timing with Dad's death. I wanted more time. More time for us to be a family. More time to understand my dad and for him to get to know me. Time for him to be amazed by my children and to maybe show them the love that I always seemed to be searching for.

I thank God for his timing. His gift of L was definitely in his time and not mine. But what a glorius gift she has turned out to be. Although I honestly have no idea how 4 years have gone by, I can look at pictures of L and remember every moment of this little girls life. I remember how she changed me. I can't tell you how she changed me I just know she did. She truly is amazing.

I remember when I was pregnant the warnings I would receive about enjoying every minute because before I knew it the baby would be a teenager. I laughed. I thought I knew what they meant. I could never really comprehend how fast time would go by until my baby was born. I swear she was just placed in my arms for the first time. Now she's a twirling, singing, dancing, questioning, beautiful, amazing 4 year old.

Here's your clue: Time truly is a gift so enjoy the present, you don't get it back. Don't say I never gave you a clue.

I get knocked down...

The first quarter of 2013 has not been my friend in many ways. This has really come as a shock since 13 has always actually been lucky for me. So far 2013 has left me wondering what in the world I did in 2012 to have karma kicking me so hard.

If being honest this karmic crap storm actually started on Christmas Day 2012. B woke with the reddest eye and raging fever. Poor littly guy slept through Santa's gifts and I think really would have preferred if we had left him in bed for the day. But we motored on and took the kids to my moms for breakfast and gifts. He passed out 2/3 the way through the gifts. His nap made me late for Christmas at my in-laws, although hubby and L made it. When I arrived my father in law was rushing out to see my bro in law who was in the hopsital, which meant B and I really missed Christmas at the in-laws. The day after Christmas we had planned to have my dad and his wife over for breakfast, but since B was sick I cancelled to take him to the doctor. Cancelling meant I didn't get to spend much time with dad during his brief visit for Christmas. We did spend the evening of the 26th with my dad and his side of the family. Once again a little short since the little man spiked a fever while we were there. 

I started 2013 hoping for a good year, only to be knocked down on day one when hubby got hit with the stomach flu. B followed hubby, but he got it in the middle of the night. Before the end of January both Hubby and I were both sick with sinus issues and unfortunately it followed us into February. L was next with a double ear infection. Our budget was hit hard with all of these medical expenses since my flexible spending account was depleted (our benefit year started over in January). OH wait, I left out the most fun part of January for me. I was diagnosed in early January with plantar fasciatis and a heel spur and was put in a boot for 3 weeks! That was a blast!

Towards the end of February we were hit with some good snow storms. Dad called to check on us. During this conversation we began planning a family party for March 10th. He thought that my nieces party was going to be that day for her birthday which was Feb 28th, and he knew he wouldn't be able to make it back in town for L's birthday. So we planned a party for Dad, who would be 65 on March 10th, my niece, L, my dad's wife and my twin cousins who will turn 18 in early April. I was to be in charge of the cake and picking up the food. Dad and I had talked a few times over Feb, which for us was a lot, but I could tell he was getting excited to come to town for the party.

My home phone rang about 6 am on Thursday February 28. I had left my cell phone off that night as we were down to one charger and hubby was charging his phone. Later I saw that I had text messages from my brother to call him. I answered the phone half awake, heart pounding. On the other end was my brother, "Jen, I have bad news." My heart dropped. So many things rushed through my head. Our mom was on a cruise, could something have happened to her? Our grandfather, mom's dad, has been ill off and on, did he die? But nothing could really prepare for what I heard my brother say next, "Dad died". "What?" I heard myself say.

I can't begin to explain the shock. I have struggled to explain the feelings I have felt. I kind of always thought that I would be sad but not like overwhelmed with grief when dad died. But I was totally and utterly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness and anger. I was so mad at him. Why didn't he stop smoking? Why didn't he take better care of himself. You see dad died of a heart attack. This one was pretty much an instant killer from what I was told. This wasn't his first, but it was his last. Dad had his first heart attack at my current age, and has had 2 others. I can't remember if he's had 2 or 3 open heart surgeries, all of that is irrelevant now.

Now there is a hole. A hole that had existed prior to his death. A hole that now would never have the chance to filled. A hole that began in infancy when dad left mom. A hole that had partially been filled through the years but had a long way to go to being filled. Sometimes the hole would appear to be filled only to have the covering ripped off. On Feb 28 it became a permanent hole. The days following would seem to make the hole deeper. The thought of my children never really knowing their grandpa. And no matter what my relationship was with him over the years, there are pieces of him that they should have known. Pieces that I will try to remember more then the pain between us.

My dad, was witty or should I say punny. Everytime we talked he had a joke, sometimes the same one. He did have a great smile and laugh.

Dad's funeral was rediculously painful and something I am still struggling with.  I will make my peace with it some day. For now I just long for those who knew my dad best to share with me who he was. Who he was as a kid, teenager, and man. Who he was before mom, after mom and before  his wife. These are the typical stories that are shared when someone dies. But I felt more like a stranger in my dads house then his daughter.

Three weeks have gone by. I am trying to focus my attention to L's upcoming birthday and to Easter. Easter, the time of rebirth and renewal. Spring a time for life. But at least once a day I tear up and remember, dad's dead. I will not see him again, until we meet again in heaven (if I make it there).

Ok 2013, ENOUGH! I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to be healthy, for myself and my family. Now if you could stop kicking me back down, I would appreciate it.