Purpose

Today’s Inspiration:

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

Purpose. Such a mysterical world. I don't know that I have found my purpose, but I know I have one as strong as I know I'm alive. 39 years and 355 days ago I was born, 2 months premature. Close to forty yrs ago that was no small feat. I almost didn't make it. I had to have a complete blood change. My parents used to tell stories of having to thump my back in the incubator to get me to start breathing again. But, after a month this little tiny baby (can you believe I was ever little and tiny?) came home from the hospital. 

Over the years I've pondered why. Why did I live? Why was I here? The only thing I can come up with is that it is God's plan. God said it was time for me to be born. God said it was time for me to live. Little side note had I been born on time I wouldn't have been in my year at school. I may not have had the same friends which definitely would have altered my life completely. It's when I get to that thought it's when I realize my purpose, .my role in others lives. I am here to help.

As much as others have been a part of my life, I have been a part of there's. I have seen friends through love, crisis, children, depression and celebration. At times I've been told I'm better then a counselor. Sometimes I think I missed my career calling. But like baking and cooking I don't think I would enjoy it quite as much if I had to do it. I get great pleasure from helping others. I feel needed when others share with me, when they come to me about an issue in their life. 

I remember not long ago someone asked me about my purpose and I told them my purpose was to be a mom. I think that is one part of my purpose. There's never been a doubt in me that I was meant to be a mom. I don't know that I have all my children yet. I think my purpose of helping others drives me to want to mother more then my two biological children. I don't know what that means for my family's future except we will explore it when the time is right. (I do know there will not be any more biological children unless God intervenes)..

Purpose, that's a big thought. What's your purpose? How are you giving your heart and soul to your purpose?

Practice

Today’s Inspiration:

“To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.”

Kurt Vonnegut said that.

I never thought of practice as a way to make my soul grow....until now. This journal challenge, opportunity, whatever you call it, does feel like my soul is growing. Today I felt a longing throughout the day, I longed for my time. My time to sit and write and feel and share me!

Practice has always seemed to me as something I had todo, so I usually shy away from anything with practice, wether it's for fun, learning or fitness.  I think what has kept me from practice of many things is my own mind, I get in my own way.  Doubt. I doubt my ability. I doubt that others will enjoy or care about what I do. I know I shouldn't care about what others think...but I do, particularly when I share my writing, cooking or baking. These are very personal things. 

I doubt my abilities. I doubt my family will think the time I spend on something that takes my focus from them is a waste of time. What is the art I really want to practice? Photography. I've always wanted to take amazing pictures. Pictures that tell a story. It seems there are so many photographers these days. I feel I'd be lost in a sea of photographers. I need to remember no matter how crappy my pictures turn out, the practice is good for my soul.

I think I have always known that practicing an art made your soul grow. Baking. Baking is the art that has always been good for my soul. Happy, sad, stressed, I bake. I share my baked goods.  The art of baking makes my heart smile.

New goals for making my soul grow: keep baking, keep writing, keep taking pictures.

The root...

Today's journal inspiration: “Cultivate the root, the leaves and branches will take care of themselves.”
Perfect timing to think about "the root". When I first began thinking about the root I immediately thought of relationships, people, the things that keep me grounded. Then I dug a little deeper and realized the root is more about me, the people are the branches and leaves. 

So, what do I need to do to cultivate the root?  I've been asking myself this question for a while only it sounded a little different. It sounded like, what do I do now? I have been feeling so struck, and lost. I know it sounds silly but my dreams in life had little to do with career but more with family. I wanted a complete family. I grew up with such a split family, I longed for the (in my head) "perfect family". You know husband, wife, and most of all kids. Well that dream took quite a while to come true so in the mean time I fell into a career. 

A career. Almost feels like a dirty word. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom using all those great early childhood ed skills I gained in college on my own kids. Turns out I enjoy working outside the home and actually have some pretty good skills. Sadly I don't think my current position is really using my skills. I have worked my way out of direct service...which I love. I can't afford to go back to teaching.

So....how do I cultivate the root? I am trying to figure out my career dream? What can I do that makes me happy and I'm good at? What do I need to do to gain the right skills? Or is being a mom with a job enough? Do I focus on my family now and me later? 

I guess it's time to do some investigation....

Keep it Simple

Today the journal post is about dwelling on the things that have occurred once we have committed. Once you made that simple commitment what unforeseen things have happened in you life. As I consider this for a moment I think about the commitment that changed my life forever. The day I committed to no longer date the man that is now my husband. The commitment really had nothing to do with him, but really me. I committed to myself that I wanted and deserved more and I was no longer going to accept less. It was a horribly horrifying decision to make. What if it meant I would end up alone? What if it meant I lost him as a friend? The what ifs nearly prevented the commitment. I should remember that. I should remember to stop letting what ifs ruin unforeseen events. If I had not made the commitment I wouldn't have the 3 biggest blessings of my life, my hubby and my babies.
Why do I let the what ifs stand in my way? Fear is so debilitating.
I think I am really supposed to be writing about journaling and keeping it simple. But that's what I thought about, making that commitment to myself that ultimately changed my life. Maybe my commitment to journaling will change my life. I have often started a written journal but never really kept it up. I guess I thought I got out everything I needed to. I wish I had kept one just see how I have changed or more likely how I haven't.
Keeping a journal was never something I knew people did. I don't remember when the idea was introduced to me but I remember thinking it was odd. Why would you write things down? Who's going to read it? It felt like an assignment. I have finally begun to understand some of the benefits. For now, I will commit to this journal. Writing my thoughts. Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process.

"There's no beginning too small".

I was introduced to this 30 day journal project from my friend Karen. Today's topic is an inspirational quote, "There's no beginning too small", by Henry David Thoreau . What a great thought. I have been wanting to get back to this blog for awhile but thought I didn't really have anything to write about. I've been just going through the motions - apparently since the end of 2013 from the looks of my last blog entry. I am very excited about this journal project.

 Each day, each opportunity I will try to remind myself, no beginning is too small. Its not too small to take a breath and stop my complaint mid sentence. It is not too small to forgive myself when my patience are running thin. It is not too small to drink another glass of water today to help my health tomorrow. It is not too small...

Truly, no beginning is too small! I really should try to remember this. So today I will put this to practice, no beginning is too small. I took the first step, I wrote today. I will begin again tomorrow and I will write again.

2013

2013 started with illness in our house, both Hubby and B had the stomach flu. It seemed to keep rolling down hill from there. I got the fun boot for my plantar fasciatis. L had an ear infection then strep if I remember correctly. Our Saturn Vue died.  My dad passed away at the end of February. B broke his leg at the end of May and in the fall Hubby had surgery for his carpal tunnel. Somewhere in there the washing machine died, the basement flooded and the garage door opener died.

I have to admit I spent most of the year depressed. It just felt like one thing after another kept bringing us down. I was having trouble seeing all the great things happening in spite of the crap. So, today as 2013 is coming to an end, I am saying goodbye to the crap of 2013 but also thinking about all the good.

The good of 2013 (in no certain order):

• L's smile
• B's laughter
• The support of our child care family at time of need
• The support of our family and friends (all the time and at need)
• A new van
• A car paid off
• A kitchen rehabbed
• A new sister-in-law
• Cousin getting married
• Friends getting married
• The health of grandparents
• Being employed
• My overall health and Hubby's as well
• Fun family vacation
• Celebrating hubby's aunt's 50th year of being a nun with her in KY
• Celebrating my grandparents 65th anniversary
• Friends having babies
• Prayers and words of wisdom from a friend
• Love from my hubby through good and bad
• Having an emergency fund to use in emergencies
• FAMILY TIME
• and whatever else I am missing

So many blessings in the past year. I know there are more to come in 2014. Thank you God for your love. Thank you friends and family for your love and support.

My resolution for 2014 is to truly count my blessings every day. 

Happy 2014!

6 months

Hey dad! It's me checking in. Can you even believe it has been six months since you left this earth? I can't. The days are long but time passes quickly. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you but only to realize you wouldn't be on the other end. To feel that ache that now sits in the pit of my stomach or the back of my throat to remind me of all that has been lost.

My birthday was this week. You didn't call. We both know it is not the first time. There were many birthdays that you missed when I was a child and it mattered more to me then, then it does now as an adult. It seemed though as I got older and we some how connected more yours was one of the first calls I would receive on my birthday. I missed your call Weds. The call where I could almost see your smile through your words over the phone. The call where you tell me stories of how you had to thump me in the incubator to get me to breath and how little I was. The call where you tell me how proud of me you are and happy that I am happy.

I am happy! I have an amazing husband and children. And my hubby is the type of father to our children that I always wanted when I was growing up. He makes me so happy. Our children put me over the moon. I am blessed with more then I deserve.

But somehow I am still sad. 6 months, and I am still sad. The memories of our relationship and how it wasn't always what a girl hopes for in a father/daughter relationship are displaced by the fact that you are gone and now there is no relationship. No chance for my children to really know you. I'm mad! I'm mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. I am mad that those damn cigarettes won. I'm mad that we weren't enough for you. (Funny that as I am writing this "I loved her first" by Heartland is playing on my Pandora)

There were so many things about you that drove me CRAZY. Now these are some of the same things that I am sad are no longer around. Things that my children will not get to know. You were always so punny. Always the one with a joke. Sometimes you were loud and I was emberrassed, but I couldn't see that maybe I should be more like you and a little less afraid of what others thought. You always greeted with a smile and a hug. I just wished those smiles and hugs were nearer when I needed them.

I kind of feel alone in this grief, that others have moved on in the ways that are their own. But me, I'm an emotional kind of girl, and I still hurt. I hurt for all the time we lost not REALLY knowing each other. I hurt for the time that is lost  due to your much too early death.

I know with time dad this hurt will lessen and I won't cry on every 27th of the month but eventually I will smile as I think of you. Maybe if you could let go a little from your end, I could let go a little from my end, and little by little we will each have a little more peace.