2013

2013 started with illness in our house, both Hubby and B had the stomach flu. It seemed to keep rolling down hill from there. I got the fun boot for my plantar fasciatis. L had an ear infection then strep if I remember correctly. Our Saturn Vue died.  My dad passed away at the end of February. B broke his leg at the end of May and in the fall Hubby had surgery for his carpal tunnel. Somewhere in there the washing machine died, the basement flooded and the garage door opener died.

I have to admit I spent most of the year depressed. It just felt like one thing after another kept bringing us down. I was having trouble seeing all the great things happening in spite of the crap. So, today as 2013 is coming to an end, I am saying goodbye to the crap of 2013 but also thinking about all the good.

The good of 2013 (in no certain order):

• L's smile
• B's laughter
• The support of our child care family at time of need
• The support of our family and friends (all the time and at need)
• A new van
• A car paid off
• A kitchen rehabbed
• A new sister-in-law
• Cousin getting married
• Friends getting married
• The health of grandparents
• Being employed
• My overall health and Hubby's as well
• Fun family vacation
• Celebrating hubby's aunt's 50th year of being a nun with her in KY
• Celebrating my grandparents 65th anniversary
• Friends having babies
• Prayers and words of wisdom from a friend
• Love from my hubby through good and bad
• Having an emergency fund to use in emergencies
• FAMILY TIME
• and whatever else I am missing

So many blessings in the past year. I know there are more to come in 2014. Thank you God for your love. Thank you friends and family for your love and support.

My resolution for 2014 is to truly count my blessings every day. 

Happy 2014!

6 months

Hey dad! It's me checking in. Can you even believe it has been six months since you left this earth? I can't. The days are long but time passes quickly. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you but only to realize you wouldn't be on the other end. To feel that ache that now sits in the pit of my stomach or the back of my throat to remind me of all that has been lost.

My birthday was this week. You didn't call. We both know it is not the first time. There were many birthdays that you missed when I was a child and it mattered more to me then, then it does now as an adult. It seemed though as I got older and we some how connected more yours was one of the first calls I would receive on my birthday. I missed your call Weds. The call where I could almost see your smile through your words over the phone. The call where you tell me stories of how you had to thump me in the incubator to get me to breath and how little I was. The call where you tell me how proud of me you are and happy that I am happy.

I am happy! I have an amazing husband and children. And my hubby is the type of father to our children that I always wanted when I was growing up. He makes me so happy. Our children put me over the moon. I am blessed with more then I deserve.

But somehow I am still sad. 6 months, and I am still sad. The memories of our relationship and how it wasn't always what a girl hopes for in a father/daughter relationship are displaced by the fact that you are gone and now there is no relationship. No chance for my children to really know you. I'm mad! I'm mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. I am mad that those damn cigarettes won. I'm mad that we weren't enough for you. (Funny that as I am writing this "I loved her first" by Heartland is playing on my Pandora)

There were so many things about you that drove me CRAZY. Now these are some of the same things that I am sad are no longer around. Things that my children will not get to know. You were always so punny. Always the one with a joke. Sometimes you were loud and I was emberrassed, but I couldn't see that maybe I should be more like you and a little less afraid of what others thought. You always greeted with a smile and a hug. I just wished those smiles and hugs were nearer when I needed them.

I kind of feel alone in this grief, that others have moved on in the ways that are their own. But me, I'm an emotional kind of girl, and I still hurt. I hurt for all the time we lost not REALLY knowing each other. I hurt for the time that is lost  due to your much too early death.

I know with time dad this hurt will lessen and I won't cry on every 27th of the month but eventually I will smile as I think of you. Maybe if you could let go a little from your end, I could let go a little from my end, and little by little we will each have a little more peace.

Time

We've all been there. Thinking back to childhood, the year seemed to creep by. It seemed FOREVER between the beginning of the school year and summer vacation or from one birthday until the next. Why does it seem the older we get the faster time goes? I can't remember a time where I thought time seemed to be creeping by, well except the work day. It is like you blink and the next thing is here. There's always something coming up. I don't know about you but it seems I think that something is far away then all of a sudden it is here. Like Easeter this year. I kept thinking, I should bring up the Easter decorations. I wasn't ready to put away the St. Patrick's Day towels so I put if off. Now Easter is 3 days away and still no Easter decorations.

This year Easter also brings with it our baby girl's brithday. What's that you say? She's not a baby? Holy crap, where has the time gone. You are right our girl will be turning 4. FOUR! I cannot believe four years have passed. Four years since I felt her move within me. Four years since she made her way into this world in her own unique style. Four years since our life was changed forever more.

The other side of the coin of time is that you always think you have more of it. But we don't do we? Really truly the only thing we are promised is this minute, this moment. I have a hard time with that one. I am a sucker for the past or the future, not so good in living in the moment. I know I don't take enough time to truly appreciate the moments with family and friends that I should.  I worry more about what hasn't happened or what happened in the past.

I can't imagine the amount of time I wasted when I was younger worrying about if I'd get married or have babies, and why didn't I have those things now. CRAZY! What a waste! I didn't enjoy the place and time I was in. Although I can look back and see the beauty of each phase of my life. I wish I could go back and give myself a clue. Since I can't go back, I will try giving myself that clue now.

I will try to live in the moment. To enjoy my life where it is, because that is where it is meant to be. To find the breath taking moments each day with my children and family. To not worry what the future will bring (well except maybe financially, still gotta pay down that debt and save so we can have a great future) but take care of today so when the future arrives it can be full of wonderful moments.

I have struggled in my life to understand God's timing. Although, God's timing has never failed, I find that I question it a lot. Most recently I questioned his timing with Dad's death. I wanted more time. More time for us to be a family. More time to understand my dad and for him to get to know me. Time for him to be amazed by my children and to maybe show them the love that I always seemed to be searching for.

I thank God for his timing. His gift of L was definitely in his time and not mine. But what a glorius gift she has turned out to be. Although I honestly have no idea how 4 years have gone by, I can look at pictures of L and remember every moment of this little girls life. I remember how she changed me. I can't tell you how she changed me I just know she did. She truly is amazing.

I remember when I was pregnant the warnings I would receive about enjoying every minute because before I knew it the baby would be a teenager. I laughed. I thought I knew what they meant. I could never really comprehend how fast time would go by until my baby was born. I swear she was just placed in my arms for the first time. Now she's a twirling, singing, dancing, questioning, beautiful, amazing 4 year old.

Here's your clue: Time truly is a gift so enjoy the present, you don't get it back. Don't say I never gave you a clue.

I get knocked down...

The first quarter of 2013 has not been my friend in many ways. This has really come as a shock since 13 has always actually been lucky for me. So far 2013 has left me wondering what in the world I did in 2012 to have karma kicking me so hard.

If being honest this karmic crap storm actually started on Christmas Day 2012. B woke with the reddest eye and raging fever. Poor littly guy slept through Santa's gifts and I think really would have preferred if we had left him in bed for the day. But we motored on and took the kids to my moms for breakfast and gifts. He passed out 2/3 the way through the gifts. His nap made me late for Christmas at my in-laws, although hubby and L made it. When I arrived my father in law was rushing out to see my bro in law who was in the hopsital, which meant B and I really missed Christmas at the in-laws. The day after Christmas we had planned to have my dad and his wife over for breakfast, but since B was sick I cancelled to take him to the doctor. Cancelling meant I didn't get to spend much time with dad during his brief visit for Christmas. We did spend the evening of the 26th with my dad and his side of the family. Once again a little short since the little man spiked a fever while we were there. 

I started 2013 hoping for a good year, only to be knocked down on day one when hubby got hit with the stomach flu. B followed hubby, but he got it in the middle of the night. Before the end of January both Hubby and I were both sick with sinus issues and unfortunately it followed us into February. L was next with a double ear infection. Our budget was hit hard with all of these medical expenses since my flexible spending account was depleted (our benefit year started over in January). OH wait, I left out the most fun part of January for me. I was diagnosed in early January with plantar fasciatis and a heel spur and was put in a boot for 3 weeks! That was a blast!

Towards the end of February we were hit with some good snow storms. Dad called to check on us. During this conversation we began planning a family party for March 10th. He thought that my nieces party was going to be that day for her birthday which was Feb 28th, and he knew he wouldn't be able to make it back in town for L's birthday. So we planned a party for Dad, who would be 65 on March 10th, my niece, L, my dad's wife and my twin cousins who will turn 18 in early April. I was to be in charge of the cake and picking up the food. Dad and I had talked a few times over Feb, which for us was a lot, but I could tell he was getting excited to come to town for the party.

My home phone rang about 6 am on Thursday February 28. I had left my cell phone off that night as we were down to one charger and hubby was charging his phone. Later I saw that I had text messages from my brother to call him. I answered the phone half awake, heart pounding. On the other end was my brother, "Jen, I have bad news." My heart dropped. So many things rushed through my head. Our mom was on a cruise, could something have happened to her? Our grandfather, mom's dad, has been ill off and on, did he die? But nothing could really prepare for what I heard my brother say next, "Dad died". "What?" I heard myself say.

I can't begin to explain the shock. I have struggled to explain the feelings I have felt. I kind of always thought that I would be sad but not like overwhelmed with grief when dad died. But I was totally and utterly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness and anger. I was so mad at him. Why didn't he stop smoking? Why didn't he take better care of himself. You see dad died of a heart attack. This one was pretty much an instant killer from what I was told. This wasn't his first, but it was his last. Dad had his first heart attack at my current age, and has had 2 others. I can't remember if he's had 2 or 3 open heart surgeries, all of that is irrelevant now.

Now there is a hole. A hole that had existed prior to his death. A hole that now would never have the chance to filled. A hole that began in infancy when dad left mom. A hole that had partially been filled through the years but had a long way to go to being filled. Sometimes the hole would appear to be filled only to have the covering ripped off. On Feb 28 it became a permanent hole. The days following would seem to make the hole deeper. The thought of my children never really knowing their grandpa. And no matter what my relationship was with him over the years, there are pieces of him that they should have known. Pieces that I will try to remember more then the pain between us.

My dad, was witty or should I say punny. Everytime we talked he had a joke, sometimes the same one. He did have a great smile and laugh.

Dad's funeral was rediculously painful and something I am still struggling with.  I will make my peace with it some day. For now I just long for those who knew my dad best to share with me who he was. Who he was as a kid, teenager, and man. Who he was before mom, after mom and before  his wife. These are the typical stories that are shared when someone dies. But I felt more like a stranger in my dads house then his daughter.

Three weeks have gone by. I am trying to focus my attention to L's upcoming birthday and to Easter. Easter, the time of rebirth and renewal. Spring a time for life. But at least once a day I tear up and remember, dad's dead. I will not see him again, until we meet again in heaven (if I make it there).

Ok 2013, ENOUGH! I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to be healthy, for myself and my family. Now if you could stop kicking me back down, I would appreciate it.

Making a change

When I started this blog it was really focused on my families journey to become debt free. We are still on that journey but I've had a little writers block about what to share lately and have found that I really have other things I wanted to write about, things I wanted to share. Starting today Here's Your Clue will be not just about our journey to be debt free but also about our life. I hope readers enjoy reading about the clues we receive along the way and take some clues for their own lives. I pretend this blog is for you, but really it's for me. It is for me to learn from the lessons in my life, and to catalog the many clues I have been given, so maybe, just maybe, I won't have to repeat so many lessons.

Now that I am not pigeon holed by the thought of this blog being about becoming debt free, I think I just might write a little more. I hope there are some of readers out there that will come along with me.

So, on to the shifted blog. (I wish that there was  a device that could write your thoughts. I had this whole blog written in my head the other day. It sounded so much better in my head. If it is a little disjointed, I'm sorry. I 'll do better another day.)

Change. I am not really a fan of change. I don't know why that is, because change is the one thing that is guaranteed to happen. I've just never been a roll with the punches kind of girl. I like things a certain way, but I will admit I'm not good at communicating the way I like things. When I have many things to do, I make a list, and get them done. I make lists of things I need to pack if going on a trip. I'm a planner, sort of. Some of my lists only exist in my head, which isn't always helpful to Hubby.  If I plan, then things will go the way I plan, right, and I won't have to change. Ha! You would think after becoming a mom close to four years ago, I would know that you can't plan for everything.

Change. In 2012 Hubby and I started tackling our debt and trying to be fiscally responsible. UGH! That change has been much more painful for me then I like to admit. Knowing where our money is going is good, it is the right thing to do. I can often be found suggesting to others how they can get on board with budgeting and envelope system. I do think the changes we have made have been good for our marriage. BUT! I miss the impulse shopping. I miss going to lunch with co-workers and friends whenever I want. I miss not thinking about money. I don't miss the occasional overdraft.  I don't miss the number of credit card payments that has dwindled to one. I have gone kicking and screaming into this change. I have tried to turn around from time to time but darn if something doesn't push me back into the right direction.

Change. With budgeting under our belt, this year Hubby and I have been tackling weight loss and getting healthy. Seriously? Weight loss? UGH! Double UGH! I have struggled with my weight my whole life. So, this time, for like the 100th time, I joined Weight Watchers. The difference this time is that Hubby is doing it with me. Ok, maybe this will work this time. Maybe! We have been trying different recipes, buying good foods, tracking what we are eating, and so far, good results. But, let's be honest here. I am a fat girl through and through. I love food. Fatty foods, cheesy foods, red meat and the food at the top of my food pyramid, ice cream. This is not my first rodeo, I get that moderation is the key to sustained weight loss. But come on people, do you really not eat carbs after lunch?? I'm sorry. I can't go that far.

Change. Exercise. Really, people do this, and feel the need to on a daily basis? I just don't believe it. In no way is it fun, relaxing or invigorating. You people are crazy. I get it though, I NEED to do it for my heart, and tone up my flab. It just blows me away when I read these stories on Weight Watchers about people who have lost substantial weight who went from couch potato to "I exercise an hour a day, every day". SERIOUSLY? Is there a drug that helped you do that? Because when my alarm goes off, every muscle in my body screams, "NO KEEP SLEEPING".

I don't know what my issue is with change. Some changes have come so easily, like sharing my home with my husband. I honestly thought it would be more difficult. Giving up that independent lifestyle. Giving up the ability to hang what ever I wanted on the walls without discussing it first. Giving up cooking whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But sharing my life and home with my husband has probably been one of the easiest changes of my life. Maybe it is because he gets me and has made the change so easy. Don't get me wrong, there are some pieces of that change that have not been easy, but they definitely aren't even worth mentioning because life with him is better then life without.

We can discuss the changes that come with kids another day. That's like a hundred posts worth of change.

Change is not my favorite thing. But the clue I have been hit over the head with is, change is constant it. Deal with it or be miserable. I think I will try to deal with it and embrace the challenge.