I get knocked down...

The first quarter of 2013 has not been my friend in many ways. This has really come as a shock since 13 has always actually been lucky for me. So far 2013 has left me wondering what in the world I did in 2012 to have karma kicking me so hard.

If being honest this karmic crap storm actually started on Christmas Day 2012. B woke with the reddest eye and raging fever. Poor littly guy slept through Santa's gifts and I think really would have preferred if we had left him in bed for the day. But we motored on and took the kids to my moms for breakfast and gifts. He passed out 2/3 the way through the gifts. His nap made me late for Christmas at my in-laws, although hubby and L made it. When I arrived my father in law was rushing out to see my bro in law who was in the hopsital, which meant B and I really missed Christmas at the in-laws. The day after Christmas we had planned to have my dad and his wife over for breakfast, but since B was sick I cancelled to take him to the doctor. Cancelling meant I didn't get to spend much time with dad during his brief visit for Christmas. We did spend the evening of the 26th with my dad and his side of the family. Once again a little short since the little man spiked a fever while we were there. 

I started 2013 hoping for a good year, only to be knocked down on day one when hubby got hit with the stomach flu. B followed hubby, but he got it in the middle of the night. Before the end of January both Hubby and I were both sick with sinus issues and unfortunately it followed us into February. L was next with a double ear infection. Our budget was hit hard with all of these medical expenses since my flexible spending account was depleted (our benefit year started over in January). OH wait, I left out the most fun part of January for me. I was diagnosed in early January with plantar fasciatis and a heel spur and was put in a boot for 3 weeks! That was a blast!

Towards the end of February we were hit with some good snow storms. Dad called to check on us. During this conversation we began planning a family party for March 10th. He thought that my nieces party was going to be that day for her birthday which was Feb 28th, and he knew he wouldn't be able to make it back in town for L's birthday. So we planned a party for Dad, who would be 65 on March 10th, my niece, L, my dad's wife and my twin cousins who will turn 18 in early April. I was to be in charge of the cake and picking up the food. Dad and I had talked a few times over Feb, which for us was a lot, but I could tell he was getting excited to come to town for the party.

My home phone rang about 6 am on Thursday February 28. I had left my cell phone off that night as we were down to one charger and hubby was charging his phone. Later I saw that I had text messages from my brother to call him. I answered the phone half awake, heart pounding. On the other end was my brother, "Jen, I have bad news." My heart dropped. So many things rushed through my head. Our mom was on a cruise, could something have happened to her? Our grandfather, mom's dad, has been ill off and on, did he die? But nothing could really prepare for what I heard my brother say next, "Dad died". "What?" I heard myself say.

I can't begin to explain the shock. I have struggled to explain the feelings I have felt. I kind of always thought that I would be sad but not like overwhelmed with grief when dad died. But I was totally and utterly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness and anger. I was so mad at him. Why didn't he stop smoking? Why didn't he take better care of himself. You see dad died of a heart attack. This one was pretty much an instant killer from what I was told. This wasn't his first, but it was his last. Dad had his first heart attack at my current age, and has had 2 others. I can't remember if he's had 2 or 3 open heart surgeries, all of that is irrelevant now.

Now there is a hole. A hole that had existed prior to his death. A hole that now would never have the chance to filled. A hole that began in infancy when dad left mom. A hole that had partially been filled through the years but had a long way to go to being filled. Sometimes the hole would appear to be filled only to have the covering ripped off. On Feb 28 it became a permanent hole. The days following would seem to make the hole deeper. The thought of my children never really knowing their grandpa. And no matter what my relationship was with him over the years, there are pieces of him that they should have known. Pieces that I will try to remember more then the pain between us.

My dad, was witty or should I say punny. Everytime we talked he had a joke, sometimes the same one. He did have a great smile and laugh.

Dad's funeral was rediculously painful and something I am still struggling with.  I will make my peace with it some day. For now I just long for those who knew my dad best to share with me who he was. Who he was as a kid, teenager, and man. Who he was before mom, after mom and before  his wife. These are the typical stories that are shared when someone dies. But I felt more like a stranger in my dads house then his daughter.

Three weeks have gone by. I am trying to focus my attention to L's upcoming birthday and to Easter. Easter, the time of rebirth and renewal. Spring a time for life. But at least once a day I tear up and remember, dad's dead. I will not see him again, until we meet again in heaven (if I make it there).

Ok 2013, ENOUGH! I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to be healthy, for myself and my family. Now if you could stop kicking me back down, I would appreciate it.